Friday the 13th (2009)

There is a God. How do I know this? Because we were able to watch Friday the 13th here. In the Philippines. In a theater. R-18 with no cuts. If that’s not a miracle, then I do not know what is.

If you happen to be a Friday the 13th virgin (or I dunno, raised in a barn or something), this is the 12th film of the franchise, Freddy VS Jason included. It is not Part 12 but rather, a “re-imagining” (or retardening) with bits and pieces from the first three flicks. Part I is all about Mama Voorhees and her homicidal rampage. Jason doesn’t show up until Part 2 and he doesn’t acquire the mask until Part III. I read that they were supposed to use Part IV’s Tommy Jarvis (played by 12-year old Corey Feldman) as a main character but later scrapped it when they decided not to make it an origin story. Hmn. That would have been interesting.

We open to a little flashback. A camp counselor is running towards the lake, Mrs. Voorhees hot on her tail, screaming bloody murder. Mother gets her head chopped off and then a young Jason showed up, picked up the machete, locket, and the severed head. (In Part 2, Jason witnessed the beheading as an adult.) No love for mother’s sweater here. Sad. Fast forward to six weeks before the present day (I know), a group of campers in search of a weed field set up camp near Camp Crystal Lake. Jason is not happy about this.

Present day, another group of douchebags head to the woods for a weekend of debauchery. They run into Clay (Padalecki) who’s been handing out fliers in search of his sister who went missing six weeks prior. Long story short, they stumble upon Jason’s underground lair where Whitney (Righetti) is being held captive. Yes, captive. In chains and shit. Apparently, she looks like Mrs. Voorhees from the photo in the locket.

Okay, here we go. SPOILERS AHEAD.

THE GOOD

The gore is… okay. But let’s get to that later. I love this new Jason. He’s lean, mean, and angry. Derek Mears is awesome, and such a nice man, too. My smile was as wide as anything when he found the mask. The wheelchair reference made us chuckle. The nude water-skiing part was definitely a first in the series. How come they never did that before? Maybe because the previous lakes were small? Anyway, nudity is always good. Tits are tits. Some of the kills are fun, notably Nolan getting (Ryan Hansen) the arrow in the head. When was the last time he used a range weapon? Harpoon in Part 3?

He doesn’t just speed-walk now, he fucking breaks into a sprint. I have two favorite scenes: the one where he runs after Lawrence (token black guy) with a hatchet and when he breaks the chains he was hanging from. Unfortunately, that’s about it with the good stuff.

THE BAD

I don’t like how this Jason is smart. The Jason I know (and love) doesn’t have an underground tunnel or floodlights in the vicinity. (Wolfcreek much?) The Jason I know (and love) doesn’t take hostages and chains them up and NOT kill them. How does he even feed her? o_O

A lot of the gore was cop-out and I really think they could have done more.The first kill, what’s that about? Jason lobbed off his ear and he died? What, he bled to death? The bathroom scene was another tense moment that suddenly went meh. Trent’s (Travis van Winkle) death wasn’t satisfying, either. I expected him to get the worst of it, being the ultimate douchebag and all. Also, Chewie (Aaron Yoo) and a screwdriver? Seriously? Jason had an entire shed of tools (there was a close-up of a buzz saw) and he used a screwdriver? Man, fuck that. I want elaborate kills: limbs flying and bodies bent like pretzels. See, the beauty of ’80s horror is that the kills are over the top and this Platinum Dunes version is severely lacking in that department.

The characters are not very likeable. True, they’re not supposed to be. They’re supposed to be stupid but goddamnit, not THAT stupid. I don’t get the fascination with the camp house. Oooh, it’s an old dilapidated house, let’s go hunt for treasures. *roll eyes* Also, no Crazy Ralph? No one to tell the campers that they’re doooooomed? That they’re all doing to diiiiieeee? Part 8, the ridiculous Jason Takes Manhattan, had its own version of Crazy Ralph. Boo.

It looks so… shiny, glossy and very Platinum Dunes-y. It feels a lot like the 2003 remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, with its grimy atmosphere. It worked well for TCM but for an F13 flick, not so much. The whole looking for pot thing, what’s up with that? Did they think people won’t notice it’s the same plot device from TCM? Even the hick characters look the same. Batty old lady reminded me of Luda May and the truck driver of Uncle Monty. Even the cop was giving me a Sheriff Hoyt vibe, for some reason. But he’s no Lee Ermey, that’s for sure.

Let’s get to the most baffling part: the ending. Why exactly did Clay and Whitney drag Jason’s body to the lake? Why didn’t they just run for their fricken’ lives after they got him chained to the wood chipper? Sure, the writers had to get him to the lake in order to do the popping-out-of-the-water bit. That’s a staple, I get that. But honestly? I’d sooner believe that Jason somehow got to the lake on his own than believe the siblings were able to drag all 6’5″, 200+lbs of him.

It could have been just the two of them by the dock, waiting for a boat or something and have Jason pop out of the water. I’m pretty sure fans are used to seeing him appear out of nowhere. Having watched the entire series, I’ve learned not to ask silly questions like “how the fuck did he get there?” or “how the fuck is he back?” How is he back? Because FUCK YOU, that’s how. And why did he bother putting the mask back on? Who’s he trying to impress? Teh ladies? What. Everrrr.

I am pouting at the lack of ki-ki-ki, ma-ma-ma. Three times? Come on, is this Friday the 13th or what? It’s somewhat fun, I gotta give it that. But it’s not as memorable as the past ten (okay, eleven) films. Not even close.

Go to Bloody Disgusting for more images and here for a list of kills.